If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say
14 06 2008
colleen left a comment yesterday that really resonated with me. she said:
I love the quote “be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some sort of battle” (I don’t know if that’s the exact words), but it’s something that sticks with me and helps me treat people more gently than I think I should. Thank you for sharing!
I know that there are certain things people have said to me that have stuck with me throughout my life.
Third grade, Hasson Heights Elementary School, Oil City, PA. I stole some kids swing and he called me “Big Nose.” Thats the day I realized i have a big nose. i spent years hating it from then on.(I really do, but I’m ok with it. Everyone is always like, “OH, its not that big.” but it is. and i dont care. its my face. cant change it.)
Sixth Grade, Midway Elementary School, Seattle, WA. My best friend and I stop some kids and ask them what room they are selling the otter pops in. One replies, “the detention room,” and the other one says, “they dont know where that is, they are the SMART KIDS.” Apparently being in the gifted program makes you immune to 6th grade detention. I guess they were right though, I didnt know where the room was. Reguardless, I was MORTIFIED and denounced my intellegence as to not be “different.” Which just meant i sulked for a while.
Freshman year, Highline High School, Seattle WA. My good friend, Andy, sees me at freshman orientation, after losing some weight, and says, “Oh My God, you are wasting away.” He meant it with concern and disgust, but for some reason I took it as “Kelly, people are noticing, lose more.”
Even though i look back on these, and they weren’t even really that bad, or meant the way i took them, they stuck with me to this day. So now,when I remember these situations, i go right back to my frame of mind then, instead of how the situation would make me feel now.
I tried to think of a situation where someone said something encouraging to me that I had remembered all these years, but couldnt think of anything. I know I have recieved tons of compliments over the years, but nothing that has stuck with me. I guess you remember the things that hurt more. Words pack a bigger punch than actions sometimes.
Which got me thinking that maybe i said something along the way, maybe in good fun or maybe maliciously, that has stuck with someone for all these years and it makes me feel awful. Maybe a harmless joke I cracked wasnt so harmless, or a snipey remark was taken as more than such.
Women have this weird obsession with putting other women down. Its some weird hostiliity and judgemental side where we have to be the best, or the smartest or the prettiest or the “right”est, and if we aren’t, then we are going to slam that woman for something else. Everyone has something they are dealing with, and you don’t what impact your words can have on someone else. Just be careful.
man, may I play devils advocate? (or me. either way.)
first I love your insights in the post.
especially the wondering if youve ever said something which ‘stuck’ with someone else.
that had me sitting here for a long while pondering—-because Im certain I have. how could I not at SOME POINT in my life even if *I* meant nothing by it in the moment.
and I really am not snarky about other women. dont get me wrong—I have a plethora of shitty qualities—it just doesnt make me feel BETTER to rip another woman down and really DOES perk up my day to tell someone when they look nice/have done something fab/whatevs.
so trite but so FREEING the day I realized that someone ELSE being a magnificent writer doesnt make MY WRITING any less good.
true across the board.
sorry for rambling….
M.
Great points Kelly. I usually think of it from the opposite perspective – wondering if I’ve said something that hurt someone else. It’s funny what sticks in your mind though, doesn’t it? They probably never intended it to be that way.
I thought Colleen’s comment was great too:) Always give people the benefit of the doubt…
Great post!
This is a good reminder to think before speaking and try to understand where the other person is coming from!
It’s interesting how powerful the hurtful comments can be (even if they weren’t meant to be)! I’m not proud of saying stupid things and unintentionally hurting someone cause I know what it feels like when someone says something hurtful to me. I don’t want to continue that cycle.
But I’m also of the opinion that truly positive and encouraging words can be just as, or even more, powerful. Besides, it’s much more fun to be an encourager, and I believe it is a lot more effective in the long run.
It really does help, like Colleen says, to look at things from the other persons perspective and to remind yourself that you really have no idea what they’ve gone through. As for remembering negative stuff that people say? If I start to dwell, thats when I start writing in my diary the compliments that I receive. And then if you’ve got a bad memory for those things, you can go back and find them and remember all the positive stuff!
Great post, Kelly! I too have many things that have been said to me and hurt me that stick with me until this day. And sometimes when I think back on it I still get sad/anxious/anxiety over these things. Yet I can’t remember very many nice things that have been said and stuck with me. It is funny the way the mind works that way, huh?
And goodness – the woman on woman bashing is just insane. Part of the reason I don’t have many female friends for sure.
Have I told yo lately that I heart you?
Hope you’re having a great weekend!
MizFit- it took me a while but i can say im not snarky to other women anymore either (atleast i dont think so?)
I really think it is a sign of severe insecurity. you dont think you can build yourself up that point, so you decide to tear them down instead- if not to their face, atleast in your head.
and it DOES feel really good to compliment someone, or help, or just say something positive in your head.
and, yes, other peoples accomplishment dont take away from your own. even if you want to knock them down a few pegs.
charlotte- it makes me feel so BAD that something i cant even remember saying could have had a life long impact on someone. Not that my opinion matters more than anyone elses, but i could have said just the wrong thing at just the wrong time in someones life.
susan- you are right- im not giving encouraging words enough credit. they have just as much power to change someones day/week/life as negative ones, so we should try to get those out their as much as possible.
sagan- thats a good idea. or you could write down things YOU like about yourself as well- just as a reminder if you ever need it.
chandra- isnt it sad? even ust reading through blogs, it seems the most popular ones get an extreme amount of mean spirited criticism for no reason. its like people just want to tear someone down for doing what they want to do.
and i heart you as well. weekend is coming to a close, but i did a heap of nothing so im ready for the week to start.
oh, I will NEVER forget being called ‘a cow’ by this boy Matt in 4th grade. Or being asked if I was a lesbian at summer camp (because with a name Leslie, I MUST be a lesbian, right?) Like you said, Kelly, I’ve been given countless wonderful compliments in my lifetime but it’s the nasty or embarrassing things that stick w/you. I’m sure I said some horrid things to my mom during my angsty teen years that will forever be etched in her mind. I def. try to compliment a stranger every day b/c it’s so important to spread positivity and empowerment among women. The other day, I stopped a girl on the street b/c I liked her tank top and she was SO happy, she actually said, ‘you just made my week.’ It’s just little things like that that can make all the difference. (BTW the tank was from H&M!) xxoox
oh man one person said I had a big nose in 7th grade and everyone around laughed, and I hated my nose for years after that! I finally got over it recently, for the most part….
I always try my hardest to never talk badly about people. I never joined in on picking on kids in school because I knew how awful it felt to be picked on.
Great post! I think I obssessively worry about whether or not something I have said hurts someone’s feelings. I will go back to them days later and say “When I said….I didn’t mean it like….I meant….” just in case =) I’m so worried about hurting people’s feelings. I can also completely relate to those that said they remember people saying negative things much more than the positive…Like when 3 people in two days at my gym got really excited because they thought I was pregnant. A case in point-because I was super sensitive about my weight (having gained thirty pounds in three months from overeating) this has stuck with me!
Gosh it’s so true! You never know what someone is going through, so putting people down or wishing ill of them or resenting them is just terrible.
I used to be super-jealous of a girl in high school who was gorgeous… but about a year after I met her, I found out that her mom had died when she was a teenager. Just goes to show you that no one’s life is perfect; even that “perfect” person is dealing with something.
Oh yeah, and this one girl told me in 5th grade that my boobs were too big… well, it came back to bite her in the butt, because she is now a DD!
Awwwww, Kelly you made my whole week by using my (stolen) quote! Thank you soooooo much!!! It’s great to read all these comments and know that we’re surrounded (in cyberspace) but such nice people. I too have gone back to my mom, sister, husband, coworker etc. and said “you know what I said about so and so…? Well, I’m sorry if it came out the wrong way.” There was a girl that killed herself in high school because people made fun of her non-stop (I’m pretty sure she had a mental problem too), but that was just no excuse…and it was completely heart-breaking, I still don’t have the words to describe how horrible I feel for her and her family. Even if I hear someone using self-deprecating humor I make it a priority to tell them something nice about their self. And honestly doesn’t it feel wonderful to give someone a complement – “that pink dress is stunning on you!” – and just see them glow? It’s like volunteering – it really is a win-win situation. Thank you again Kelly – all of you are so sweet and uplifting! Good vibes for Monday – that’s always a plus!
The human machine can sometimes ‘react’ before acting properly, and I think sometimes we ‘over-react’. A great take home message, words can and do cause more harm than any type of physical damage. Some scars run so deep you forgot where they originated.
Great post, and yes I do try to put myself in the other person’s shoes whenever a comment is heard or said.
what a great post. you are totally right. you never know what battle a person may be fighting.
i have stories i will never forget either.. like the time i had just won vice president of 8th grade and some girl i had known for like 6 years made a nasty comment on the bus home from school because her best friend didn’t win. i’ll never forget that.