Just When I Almost Forget….
12 06 2008Wow. i just got sucked back about 5 years.
I watched a Dr Phil today about eating disorders.
I almost forgot what it was like to be sick. Its like I was a whole different person, but that show just brought me right back to those days. It was such a dark period in my life, maybe im trying to block it, or not dwell and move on, but then i see someone going through EXACTLY what i went through and my heart breaks for them.
even though i was bulimic, as i was watching, i most related to Jessica, an anorexic.
She’s very articulate about her feelings and her disorder, which I always was as well, and everything she said brought me right back to those days. Those days of trying soo hard to please everyone, trying to hard to show i was strong even though i was beat down every single day, those days of trying to shrink out of sight and go unnoticed. I wanted people to envy me and to think i was strong. It felt great to sit around my friends, stuffing their faces, complaining they are fat, while i silently sipped my diet coke, feeling stronger than all of them. And even though i knew what i was doing, i knew it wasnt healthy, and i knew i was going to die soon, i couldnt stop.
It made me a liar. I lied to my boyfriend about what i had eaten. I lied to him when i snuck off to purge in the bathroom and i lied when he heard me and told him i was sick. I knew he knew. I lied to my friends and told them i was eating. i lied and told them i wasnt losing weight, or that it wasnt a big deal or made up excuses not to hang out because i either felt too fat to leave the house, or just wanted to be alone with my disorder. I lied to my parents and told them i loved them when i really didnt. I lied when i sat silently listening to my mom cry about how it had affected her, when i hated her for making it, once again, all about her. I hid everything.
My rock bottom lasted a few months. I would spend all my extra money on hitting every drive through i could on the way home from work. i would weigh the food on a scale i stole from my office, then purge into a bag to weigh afterwards to make sure i got rid of every last morsel. I stole food when i couldnt afford it. I fainted once, mid purge, and hit my head off the toilet. My hair started falling out. My teeth started rotting. My thyroid shut down. i was anemic. I was a raging bitch. i fainted at the gym. i couldnt find clothes that fit, but i still thought i was fat. i would come home from work, binge and purge for hours, then collapse into bed, exhausted to only start it all again the next day.
I thought i wanted to be skinny, but what i really wanted was someone to care about me. i wanted someone to scoop me up off the bathroom floor and tell me they were worried about me. I wanted someone to love me.
It took years of counselling, but I now realize I did this to myself because i couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. Growing up, nothing was ever good enough. Every award, every straight A report card, every popularity contest- no words of encouragement. No atta girls. No recognition whatsoever. But if I left a dish on the counter, or asked a question “with an attitude” or even just was in the wrong place at the wrong time- i was awful. i was disrespectful. i was irresponsible. Eventually i just wanted to shrink. i oculdnt figure out what was so horrible about me, which meant i was stupid as well, that i didnt have the forsight to see what was right or wrong.
Counselling helped me realize it wasnt me- it was her. I wasnt crazy, i wasnt stupid and i was good enough. it was hard but i had to realize that what I think of me is all that matters.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder PLEASE get help. They dont want to make you gain weight, they want to help you learn why you are doing this. Its scary- i know it is. All I wanted to do was be alone with my disorder. My disorder was like an abusive boyfriend- i knew it was awful for me, was controlling my life and would probably kill me, but i was scared of who i was without it. It had been a part of my life for so long, i was scared to be left with just myself. I was scared that i wouldnt have something to focus on every second of everyday and i would be left with nothing. no purpose. i know what it feels like, but i can say, from experience, its the best thing you could do for yourself.
Please, just talk to someone. I’m here if you want to email or have questions. i already speak with a few people trying to turn their lives around and im here for you as well. Ive been through both the disorder and recovery so i know what you are going through. it helps to talk to someone that knows what its like. Dont let this disorder ruin another relationship or rob you of one more day of your life. There is hope. You deserve to be well, and you deserve to be happy.
kelly:
Thanks for this. I made me cry. I do have a few questions for you, i’ve been purging for 8 years now, atleast twice a day( except being forcibly stopped in the hospital), now, i feel like i can’t stop even when i want to, my body gets sick for me, you know? I want to stop doing this, but i am sick all the time, i don’t know how to make it better.
So my question is did you have to go in the hospital to stop b/ping?
my e-mail is ashlm@uc.edu
Thanks!!
Wow! Congrats on recovering!
Off topic, I had a question as to whether you thought tri-cep dips or kickbacks are a better exercise. I would also be curious as to why.
Also, do you think shoulder presses and lateral raises are necessary? Or are push-up sufficient? If you do feel so, which shoulder exercises would you recommend to get the “bang for you buck.” It’s confusing reading fitness magazines because they recommend doing everything to work every muscle so I am not sure which muscles are important. I am guessing shoulders might be, but I am not sure if push ups are enough. Thanks and once again congrats on all your accomplishments!
Thank you so much for this post, it brought tears to my eyes. I had a cycle of four years, all four years of high school. I wasted away to under 100 pounds and had an intervention. After what the doctors called a successful recovery, I was released to the real world and that’s when bulimia came into my life. They saw me eat and praised me for eating second helpings but they never saw me purge it up. I lied for two years until it became so obvious what I was doing to my body. Like you, I spent all my money on food and never thought twice about it. I would weigh myself before a binge and after to make sure I weighed less than I started. My gums are ruined but I can firmly say I AM BETTER. After counseling, I have realized I HAVE TO beat this. I don’t want this to be my life. Now i’m in college and looking into a career as a personal trainer. I treat my body with so much respect now. I don’t have to overexercise like I used to, I don’t have to overeat to fill a void, I don’t have to vomit the day a way. For me, a light just went off. After ruining my high school experience, I wanted to live college… not just waste it away.
Eating disorders can be mentally destroyed. It’s hard. Your body doesn’t want you to stop but you have to. When I was first in counseling and treatment, my body threw up out of habit and when you throw up it’s disgusting. Look at what I used to do to myself. Somedays I get the urge to eat two brownies instead one but I remind myself that I don’t need it. Sure a second brownie won’t kill me but for someone like myself it’s a subtle reminder of what I used to do.
Seriously, thank you so much for posting this and i’m sorry if I ranted too much.
amazing.
you are beyond strong now.
in every sense.
M.
Thanks for sharing your story. I have never had an eating disorder or known anyone that did but I always find these stories interesting. My question for you is that you said that what you really wanted was for someone to worry/care about you. Does the concern of your friends/family/boyfriend not count in this case? Was there anything they could have said or done that would have helped you? Just wondering what you can do if you sense that someone you love is heading towards this place.
lindsay- i thought i respond on here because other people might benefit from it- but if you want to continue to speak privately i can email you from now on.
i didnt go to the hospital or do any sort of inpatient treatment. i refused, which was me being stubborn and not really wanting help at the time, but i did go to couselling. at first i went about 3 times a week ,and then after that it dwindled down to about once every other month and now i dont go anymore.
I know what you mean about your body rejecting food, and you getting sick even when you dont want to. i had to start by letting myself digest foods i thought were “ok” like fat free yogurt, or some applesauce. you have to startr out slow- dont expect to be able to eat a cheeseburger and be fine with it and not get sick. my body couldnt handle heavy food for a while-even though that was all i was eating for months. my body never got a chance to digest any of it, so i had to be acreful with the things i did let it digest. at first i had to eat my yogurt, lay down and wait for the nausea to go away. you might get sick involuntarily every so often but if you really focus and just sit there and try and keep it down, it usually works. your body will get used to eating again and you should be ok.
if you cant keep anything down though, even when you try, you might need to go back to the hospital. they can hook you up with getting fed itraveiniously (i think i spelled that wrong) until your body is ready to handle nutrients again.
again- if you want to talk privately, email me.
suzie- personally i think tricep extensions are the best for triceps, but out of the two i would pick kickbacks. tricep dips are easier to do improperly, possibly causing you to injure your shoulders.
and wether certain exericises are necessary depends on your goals. if you want nice defined shoulders- raises are a good bet. i wouldnt say that pushups are sufficient if you are trying to tone your shoulders- as they work mainly the chest and triceps, but if shoulders arent a huge concern, then i wouldnt worry too much about focusing on the directly- pushups do work them a bit. i personally like sculpted shoulders so i do a lot of over head presses with the cable machine at the gym.
mags can be confusing but just weed through them and try and find what youwant to work on. they have to appeal to everyone with different goals, so they cover wide topics. you dont have to do everything in order to get into shape.
mizfit- thanks, that means a lot.
Kelly,
What a wonderfully raw and honest post. If only the “you” of your past could see you now. I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, but have periods of intense weight gain and binging, followed by trying to find balance and eventually evening out. Pause. Repeat. I know, for me, the mental aspect of disordered eating is such a stong and powerful force. To have beaten that, and be to the point you are now must be incredibly empowering. I know your post will ring true for so many of your loyal readers (sadly enough). I feel like a proud parent =)
Thanks for writing that. It is hard to grow up being the “good kid” and yet being constantly criticized for every little thing. It is hard to get that voice out of your head. It is pretty amazing that you got through it and can write about it so eloquently.
On a different topic. I have read that you have to exercise all three heads of the shoulder muscle (or something like that). So would that mean, lateral raises, front raises and over head presses? or what exactly
Thanks
Thank you so much for sharing this. You’re amazingly strong.
rachel- good for you. its a hard balance- about the brownie thing- cause if i deny myself that second brownie am i restricting? if i eat it am i binging? you have to do what is HEALTHY, and i think that was the hardest part for me.
keyalus- its hard to explain. sure pople were concerned, but they were concerned about my weight and what i wasnt eating or i was b/ping. they werent concerned with what was going on inside of me and what was causing it. no one stopped to say, she must being doing this for a reason- what could it be? My boyfriend was scared out of his mind of my cause i was either a raging bitch or passive aggressive or ignoring him completely, so i think he just didnt want to say anything cause he didnt know how to handle me. he didnt want to drive me away or have me explode and start yelling at him. he helped me through recovery though. i had to tell him that sometimes im going to freak out and i just need him to listen. he doesnt have to understand, but he has to respect that i am tyring and trust that i am doing what is right for me, even if it doesnt make sense to him. he was good at that part
i dont know if theres any right or wrong thing to say. definately dont try and make them eat or they will resent you. dont get all shocked and scream ‘you are so skinny!” it will make them mad a feul the fire at the same time. the best thing you can do is sit them down, tell them you love them, you are concerned about whats going on INSIDE of them and offer to help them talk to someone. they are pretty much going to have to do it on their own, you cant force someone to get better. Dont be scared of the disorder, see the person behind it and try and talk to them, instead of focusing o nthe food or weightloss. most of the time they wont know why they are doing it, but if show you are concerned, they will be more open to talking with you about it.
theresa- as part of recovery i had to keepa journal and write to my opposite self. so i was either pre purge kelly, who was full of motivation and helpful words, or post bpurge kelly, that hated myself and everythig i was doing to myself. so when i had an extreme emotion i would write to the other one, reminding them to either continue doing well, or how awful i felt afterwardsand it wasnt worth it. it was better to listen to my own words than someone else trying to assume how i was feeling.
allison i- dont over think it. just work your shoulders however you want. there are three heads and the exercises you described will work all three, but you dont have to work all three i none workout. so one shoulder day you could do presses, the next raises etc. it will help keep them balanced but you dont have to do all three in one session. they all work the shoulder but fire them muscles in a different way which helps ward of plateau.
Wow. Just wow. Thanks.
kelly: Thanks for replying. I think when i decide to stop purging all together it will be a hospitalization, especially b/c i am prone to refeeding syndrome. I’m actually willing to do that now though, it will also be good to get IV antinausea meds. I take them orally right now, trying to keep from throwing up more than once a day. It’s amazing you did it on your own. Congratulations. I hope i make it to where you are some day
Do you think excercise was beneficial, or not while you were in the process of recovery?
lindsay- at first i wasnt ready to exercise because i had zero strength, but eventually after i got a little better handle on my food, i was able to start. i think what caused me to fall in love with it was that i have a different perspective on exercise. I didnt exercise to lose weight, or even keep my weight in check as i started to eat normally, it was to get my body strong again, and to take pride in it. just like how cooking helped me appreciate my food, working out helped me appreciate my body and all the things it does for me. instead of treating it like shit, i should respect it and eventually i learned to love my body. i gained weight, obviously, while going through recovery, but for the first time i liked what i looked like because i wokred hard for it, it felt good, and i had muscle. i used to always grab my “fat” when i was sick, but i was soft because my muscles were being eaten, not because i was fat. so even though i was bigger i felt i looked better cause i did.
i would check with your doc before you start anything new though, you sound like your body is pretty weakright now, and your heart might not be up for it.
i hope you take advantage of all the help there is for you out there. i know what it feels like to just be zapped of all energy and nauseous all the time. it sucks, but it does go away
Thanks so much!
For shoulders- do you have any dumbbell exercises that you recommend?
Also, what are you feelings on protein powders. There are so many out there that I don’t know what brand to trust. I was leaning toward egg figuring it would be more natural. Do you know anything about egg powder?
Thanks again!
I’m so sorry you went through this! I am so glad your life is hopeful and happy now! I love the quote “be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some sort of battle” (I don’t know if that’s the exact words), but it’s something that sticks with me and helps me treat people more gently than I think I should. Thank you for sharing!
What a powerful story, Kelly! I had no idea you were a former ED’ed girl too. I guess I haven’t “known” you long enough yet:)
I could relate to almost everything you said despite having been anorexic rather than bulimic. It’s funny how the ED’ed mindset is the same across the board. Thanks for sharing this – I know you’ve given strength to a lot of people!
I love what you wrote about the role exercise played in your recovery. It was the same for me. I realized I needed to eat to be strong enough to do all the fun stuff at the gym;)
Thank you SOOO much for sharing your story. I feel like it is me talking. Every part of your story I can relate to. My friends and I will go out and i’ll eat nothing, but the second I get home I eat anything even if i didnt like it. I’m patheitic I’ve have been battling my binging/purging.. i guess what would be categorized as bulimic for 4 years now. This past year, after my first year of college, has grown so out of control. I just feel so alone and confused. My mom finally confronted me about it. I have my first counseling. I’m really scared/nervous about going. Where do I even begin to explain everything that’s going on. any thought?
Hey Kelly! I consider you an inspiration. : ) However, my question has nothing to do with the post. I am interested (extremely) in getting my Ace Personal Trainer Certification & Group Fitness Cerfification in order to be a personal trainer. I was wondering if you could give me some tips and insight on the best way to do this. Did you purchase the study materials from Ace for $400? That seems really expensive. Also did you study on your own or attend a class to prepare for the certification exam? Thanks so much for your input!
Wow, Kelly. Thanks for sharing, that’s really powerful.
I went through a vicious anorexic cycle when I was very young (12). As soon as people saw me recover physically I no longer had any support and help, and thus even though I’ve never been as extreme since it is a pattern of behavior that has defined my life. Every time I don’t feel in control or comfortable in my surroundings I turn to controlling food and my weight. It’s gotten sort of bad the last few years and I’m finally seeking help for the underlying problem, not the actual eating part.
I wish more people knew about how awful it feels to work out your emotions through food. It seems like a lot of people see it as a diet. I’ve actually heard people say they wish they had the willpower to be anorexic. It’s not a diet, it’s not even really about food or weight. You feel terrible going through it, but don’t know how to let it go out of fear of who you’ll be without it.
You are amazing Kelly.
What a great post
suzie- i like to do over head presses with cable machines. Ill do squat presses which is where i use a cable machine, make sure both handles are pointed directly towards the ground. face away form the machine, bring the handles up over your shoulder, palms facing forward. squat down keeping your chest up, then as you come up form the squat do an overhead press. it should be on fluid movement, so it works your core as well, transferring the momentum from your lower body to your upper and back. you can do it with dumbbells, instead , if you want. i like to work as many muscle groups as possible at once to cut down on time. front and lateral raises are good as well.
also- i dont really like supplements so i cant recommend any. you can get every nutrient in adequate amounts through a healthy diet. i dont think they are neccessary and rob you of other nutrients you should be consuming along with what you are supplementing.
colleen- its so true. when i was down on myself for having to through this i would try and remind myself that everyone has something they have to deal with and plenty of other people are going through worse things than me.
charlotte- thanks, i think i assumed everyone knew already, which is why iwanted to throw it out there again. having my own words of encouragement when i didnt think i could go on helped to show that whatever i was going through would soon pass. i recommend it for anyone going through any vice: cutting, drug use, drinking, etc.
KrisT- the only thing i can say is BE HONEST. at first i was a little standoffish, and said “i dont know” a lot, but after i started to trust my counsellor it was a lot of fun. it was like i had an alli- someone that was on my side no matter what. in counselling you can say whatever you want and you wont get judged. they are there to help you and if you arent 100% honest, its not going to help. Its not going to be easy, but if you have the right counsellor it should help you. just be honest with them and dont hold back. you arent going to say anything they havent heard before. good luck! make the most of it.
ashley- i just ordered the book and the study guide. i think it was 275 bucks? i studied on my own, it took about 6 monthes, and then took the test at a community college. i studied about 1 hour a night and honestly, i was a little over prepared if there is a such a thing. i didnt know how specific it would be so i wanted to know everything backwards and forwards, and a lot of it wasnt even mentioned on the test. good luck! it was the best decision i have ever made.
rebecca- i know. sometimes, not really anymore, but still like a year or two after i considered myself fully recovered, if i got stressed or angry or sad i would start to over eat, or under eat, or have the urge to b/p. id have to stop and think, “ok, whats going on in my life right now that would cause me to do this?” usually when i figured it out, i wouldnt have the urge anymore. its weird our minds go to manipulating food, but focusing on something stupid like food, instead of dealing with what was going on, was my way to cope.
Hey Kelly, it sounds like you think a lot of your issues spun from your mother, is she still in your life?
I have never had an eating disorder but was very screwed up for a long time because of the actions of my mother, i’ve gotten over it…she hasn’t and never will. I have considered cutting her out of my life entirely for my own health but haven’t made that step yet, just wondering if you have encountered anything like this.
Thanks!
Kelly, your story is amazing. I’ve never dealt with what you have so I can’t be like many others hear in saying that I can relate, but it is inspiring just to hear what you’ve had to overcome and how far you have come through your struggles. Kudos to you for your strength in getting through an obviously incredibly difficult situation and using the struggles to find out who you truly are.
What a great post. You ARE beyond strong! You are helping so many girls/women with your blog. I’m so very proud of you…
Love you dearly! Aunt M
Hi, I’m not sure if you will ever receive this post because I have seen so many replies before my own, but I must say tell you that reading your post which I had randomly found, had an affect on me. I feel like deep down I know that I need help, I haven’t had a period in 6 months, but everytime I look at the scale and notiice that I’ve gained a pound or haven’t lost a pound I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting all of the time, I avoid wearing jeans so I don’t feel like I am gaining weight. I must weigh about once every hour on average because I get nervous at the thought of not knowing if I have gained weight. I look at all of my friends and I see how none of them take such concern over their weight . Even my younger sister who I actually look up to so much has a greater self esteem then I do. I just want to be able to have a bit of confidence, to be able to eat food before going out and not feel like a cow. I want to feel normal, without any kind of guilt. If you have any advice or me, I’d appreciate it,
Allie B
JessieP- yeah my mom is still in my life, shes my mommy. I figured out that just like me, she was going through some things too, and so I have forgiven her. It was just unfortunate that she was in a place where she had so much control over someone during her rough patch. If i had a child when i was going through my disorder, im sure id have effected them as well. Shes a person just like everyone else, and has her own things to deal with. I love her very much, and have forgiven her for what she unwittingly put me through.
Kristie- thank you very much, that means a lot to me.
maggie- HI! i didnt think youstill read. Even family members are lurkers, huh? Thanks, that really means a lot to me. and ask pappy to send you the proof of my newpaper article. He even found a typo for me.
I love you! Tell everyone hi for me!
Allie- Of course it wont get lost- i read EVERY comment and try and comment back on the ones that warrant it.
you can email me any time.
Myadvice is to talk to someone- preferrably a professional that you have no connection to. It will make you feel a lot better, and together you guys can get to the root of what is causing this. You dont have to waste another day unhappy. And if you need me, im here for you too
I haven’t commented in a while, I guess I’m a “lurker.”
That was comforting to hear that you have managed to actually fully recover, I was starting to doubt that it was truly possible. The closest thing I’ve ever been able to find as a description of my eating habits was “purging anorexic.” I thought I had completely recovered, put myself in therapy, and let myself gain 10 pounds. Unfortunately, I chickened out of actually talking about my eating in therapy and focused on other stuff, started looking in the mirror or at the scale and saying “Holy shit, I’ve gained 10 pounds,” and then purging after I eat 2 or 3 servings of crackers and hummus when I had planned on having 1.
As stupid as all that sounds, it’s good to know you can hit rock bottom and still come back.
Thank you. I’m a 15 year old girl with anorexia. S-L-O-W-L-Y recovering. I seek encouragment everyday. I really appreciate this reinforcement.
Sami-its a slow process that i know can seem like it isnt even moving sometimes (or like you are going backwards) but keep at it, you deserve to healthy and happy.
if you ever need to talk, you can email me anytime.
Did you crawl into my head and write my story just much more eloquently ? Obviously our experiences are some what different but my feelings and the truth behind them are the exact same.
I too have finally gotten counselling and it is amazing. Instead of feeling empty without the ED, I feel lighter and freer without it. The exact opposite of what I expected to feel like.
[...] http://everygymsnightmare.com/2008/06/just-when-i-almost-forget/ [...]