Sometimes I Wish I Was Edward Norton
26 06 2008I spent about 10 minutes wondering if it should “I wish i were Edward Norton” or “was”. I settled on was. let me know if i am wrong.
Anyhoo, this happened last night, but i wanted to save it cause its such a good story and deserves a post all by its lonesome. Feel free to come back and read it a few more times while i am gone camping until Sunday. Go ahead, seethe with jealousy, Chandra everyone.
So I was at the gym last night, in the free weight room with the fellas. There is a weird territorial vibe back there. You have to be really careful before you touch or move or use anything because you never know who may be “using it.” Its like being in a new school and you accidentally sit down at the popular kid’s table. (I, of course, don’t know what thats like, but im sure you guys can relate.)
I don’t have much trouble with this, for I am a little girl, and can play dumb/be cute/act coy/cry, and not get torn a new one. A man last night was not so lucky.
See, men like to max themselves out. They will pile on about 100 pounds too much, pump out 3 reps, scream as their tendons rip, and then walk around, all pissed like, for about 38.5 minutes until they are ready to do it again. usually they put a towel on the bench, or leave their water bottle, or something along those lines to mark their territory. Not this time.
I was watching this one guy, cause honeslty, he looked like Rainier Wolfcastle from the Simpsons.
I later learned her had a Russian accent which makes him a million times cooler.
So, Rainier walks up to a rack, piles a lot more weight on a bar and steps back to prepare to lift this massive load. Out of nowhere, this skinny/buff (think skinny fat, but the opposite) guy comes rushing over, takes one of the 35 pound weight plates off the bar Wolfie was about to use and hurls it across the room screaming about how that was his and he wasn’t done. I didn’t understand a lot of what he said because im pretty sure his mouth was full of ‘roids, but obviously he was pretty pissed. The weight room was immediately silent.
Now Wolfie was literally about twice this guy’s size, and could snap him in half with one hand if he so desired. We all waited to see Wolfie’s move.
I, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in this, wanted Wolfie to scarecrow his ass with the barbell.
What did Wolfie do? He politely answered, “Sorry, dude, I didnt know it was yours,” in his thick Russian accent, and walked away.
Wolfie is a man of restraint, which I respect. I am not that reserved, and even though I had nothing to do with it, wished I could turn into The Hulk at that very moment and Hulk Slam* String Bean’s ass.
I was slightly disappointed in Wolfie, until he walked back, picked up the plate Stringie hurled, took off the other plate that was still on the bar, and said, “I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself,” and walked away again.
If there was ever a time for a slow clap to being, that would have been it. Except, it was real life, so it didn’t.
Wolfie never disappoints. He is calm, cool and collected, which makes him uncomprable in The Badass Department. We could all learn a little from Wolfie. Mainly, Russians ain’t nothin’ to mess with.
* Hulk Slamming is the invention of my wonderful friend, Stephanie. Its a verb that means to pick anything up and slam it to the ground in a fit of rage, demolishing it; usually reserved as a threat for her boyfriend when he does not do what he is asked. Which is often.
Well, I’m out like trout for the weekend. Don’t think you don’t have homework. I would like each of you to leave me a fitness joke, as well as check out everyone else’s blogs that comment on my site.
Now, I’m trusting you alone for the weekend, so play nice. And if you burn the house down, just make sure you aren’t here when I get back
Nice post! “HULK SMASH!”
As an English Major/former High School English Teacher, I regret to inform you that it is “were.” I am proud of the fact that I love grammar.
The Office – Dwight gets an exercise ball
Funny story! There are such meat heads in the weight area of my gym too. And some wear really short shorts. Like TOO short. Shorter than mine.
So…have a great camping trip and thanks again for answering my questions yesterday!
Ummm- I loved your story! I am almost glad you are gone tomorrow and through the weekend–it will give me time to read through your blog! If your entire blog is as entertaining as today’s post was, then you will help my friday fly by at work tomorrow!!
Have fun camping!
Hahahahaha! That is some high drama in the weight room. You are cool as a cucumber if you managed not to laugh. But seriously, roid rage is ugly. And I HATE the way guys hog equipment. Do they REALLY need to sit on it for like, forty minutes, between sets of 3 reps? I don’t generally need to use the equipment, being a free weights girl, but puh-lease. I’m trying to formulate a why-don’t-you-just-pee-on-it-to-mark-your-territory dog joke here, but I think I respect dogs too much to do that.
Have fun campin!
“…walk around, all pissed like, for about 38.5 minutes until they are ready to do it again…”
I laughed really hard at this point because I could totally picture it in my head. But probably even worse than that is when they spend that 38.5 minutes sitting on the machine they just overexerted themselves on, when clearly there are other people [i.e., me] who want to use it.
that is the funniest damn thing i’ve ever read.
the free weight area is so weird. i always wait for a free weight bench and pounce, leave my water bottle next to it, and go lift more than the guy next to me.
have a great weekend!!!
Oh, I would have for sure started the slow clap…except I would have been too afraid of the rage.
I got so much respect for Wolfie, this was a beautiful come back. Don’t mess with the Russians.
Hahah. I love it. Wolfie is my hero.
OH WOW. I would have laughed my ass off if I were there!! I’m picturing the whole thing in my head, except cartoon Simpson-style. Sweet.
Oh, and way to rub salt in to the wound, Kelly… way to go. Now I’m going to sit in the corner all weekend crying because I can’t go camping.
Actually, no… you know what? I’m going to do tons of fun, cool stuff and take pictures to post on my blog and then you can come back and be like, “Damn! I wish I could have been doing all those awesome things in Lake Iowa (formerly known as the stat of Iowa) instead of camping!”
ok Im going with were?
and Im a frickin one time english major who can never remember BUT who is also a fan of musicals.
seen fiddler on the roof? I always think “well, it’s IF I WERE A RICH MAN. Not if I was a rich man.”
that said.
it still mightcould be was.
ignore me and go camping.
Miz.
wait
just saw jenp’s comment
woo hoo!
I know officially know one thing.
OMG, great story! I’m cracking up. Such a wasted opportunity for the slow clap, though… oh well, there will be others
Have fun camping!
Great Freaking Story! Also, I know it would have gotten lost in last nights post on kath’s blog, but I thought you made fantastic points and were uber mature about disagreeing.
Kelly I love your blog. You are so funny, so witty, and still to informative! You really are very talented. I was wondering, how old are you?
Hey Kelly, i know people have said this a lot on Kath’s blog, but i wanted to say it on yours so it didn’t get lost in the 150 comment shuffle. I think your comments yesterday were great and i to really like that you weren’t afraid to disagree with a blog that you regularly comment on, and that you did in a real and mature way. I too was disapointed in the way the discussion went down, and i am very sad to report that i was less excited to check her blog today as i usually am, but im sure it was just drama whip-lash and i will be back to normal soon. I appreciate in your comments (even when you get negative ones) that you don’t get defensive and you don’t generalize people in your responses back (i.e. you all don’t understand my life). Yesterdays drama just made me appreciate your no-nonsense approach and writing style.
3 Kudos for you!
throwing a 35 pound weight across the room? SO not cool.
Used to start the slow clap every time we got to the front of the line at an amusement park. And it always worked… got the whole crowd going. Amazing.
ive got a wolfie at my gym too except i stay the eff away from him and his posse of insanely huge chicks. wolfettes i guess.
have fun camping!
Hi there. Since you asked, the correct form is indeed “were.” It’s the subjunctive mood
Hi, i have never posted before on your blog but i have read it for alittle while. I just have a quick question for you about being a personal fitness trainer. I have interest in possibly getting into it, and i was wondering how easy it truly is to find work? Also i dont expect you to give me your exact salary since i know that is personal but i was wondering what to generally expect from this type of career? thank you!
JenP- Dang! i thought it was wrong. Ah well, its good to know for future reference.
Lola- thats hilarious. I love the office, but haven’t ever seen that clip. thanks for posting it!
chandra- so? im waiting to hear the fun exciting stories….
mizfit- good instinct. however, you both could be wrong and i would have no idea. its a safe bet to assume that i am always wrong when it comes to all things grammar. and spelling. and punctation. and math. im bad at math.
Allison- thanks. it bothers me when people feel they have to blindly pick such an extreme side. People’s lack of introspection frightens me. if you couple that with their willingness to attack and defend with everything they’ve got, it makes for a frustrating conversation. i didnt have too much of a problem with Kath’s actual comment, but i thought it was perfect to spark an intellegent conversation. i was wrong, and was further disappointed when the actual blogger decided to skip it as well. I imagine its incredibly hard t0o get bombarded with such attacks, and i dont know if iwould have the energy to actually discuss something after reading all of that negativity, but i think thats what a blog is for. i dunno. i have no hard feelings about the whole subject- i was just interested in what people actually thought about themselves on the topic. i know i am a bit preoccupied with saving, which i usually think of as a good thing, but the whole topic made me feel a bit selfish saving everything for a rainy day when people are getting poured on every day of their lives.
Erin- aw, shucks
I’m 21. I’ll be 22 in October.
JessieP- yeah, ditto what i wrote to Allison. I think we are all products of our experiences, and you cant fault someone for being naive. im not talking about Kath, neccessarily, although I feel like she should have owned u pa bit more to offensiveness of her comment, intentional or not. Im probably going to get yelled at about that, but you know what? if you put an opinion up, you put it up on a blog because you want people to read it, and cant get upset when they disagree. Im horribly offensive and opinionated and am kind of waiting for my i think shes more worldly than people give her credit for, but some of the other comments were down right ignorant.
Betsy- thats hilarious. you should have your own Tv show. id watch it.
Kimberly- thanks! im glad someone around here knows their stuff….
Jessica- it actually isnt very hard to find a job, depending one where you want to work. The most money is private training, like if if you went into business for yourself, and trained other people in their homes, or yours. next is private training through a studio which is what i do, and then big gym taining is pribably the least lucrative, but takes the most work (all sales.) the figures vary, however, so i cant really give you numbers. and im not tellin’ how much i make
i’d google it, they have salary ranges that are pretty close.