Every Gym’s Nightmare

Hi Kelly,
I’m trying to recover from bulimia right now and am really struggling with reducing binging. I’m seeing an eating disorder therapist who says that I have to increase my calories to at least 2000 in order to
stop binging (I’ve already increased them to 1500, which is significantly more than before and I’m not underweight), but I’ve been finding that trying to increase over 1500 directly leads to binge/purges. I feel like it would be more beneficial to focus on reducing the binging first and then work on increasing caloriesslowly…how did you go about doing this? Did you try to stop the
binging first? My biggest underlying problem with eating is actually restricting/being rigid about food intake and I feel like tackling the two issues at once is too much.

I guess I don’t totally know what I’m asking…I guess how you went about the recovery process? I really like your blog and think you’ve accomplished so much already at 23! I’m 22. Thanks Kelly!! ~Rachel

Thanks for your kind words- that means a lot!

The first thing you have to realize is that your binging and purging episodes have nothing to do with the amount of calories you eat- it has to do with the anxiety- and your anxiety causes you to binge and purge. The calories themselves aren’t triggering you, its the fact you are scared to eat that many. You have to deal with why you are scared, and why you get anxious when you eat more, which is probably because its a disruption to your food routine, which sends you into a tail spin.

Messing with calories to stop binging and purging is like treating the symptom instead of the disease.

What my counselor and I did first was find the level of calories at which I was comfortable eating first, and then compromised to a point where I was at least at an amount we could both be comfortable with (me to not gain weight, he so that I wouldn’t die) made sure i ate that, and then moved onto the binges. He checked my intake for the first 10 minutes, told me to up it about 200 every other week or so, and as we tackled my issues, those increases weren;t a big deal. Sometimes they were, which meant I was having a bad week- so it soom became glaring obvious to me that my fear of calories had to do with control- when I felt out of control I was scared to up them, but when I was doing good it was no big deal.

Moving your calories up and down isnt going to cure you. Ill say this a million times- it has nothing to do with food. Once you figure out why you feel the need to torture and punish yourself, and why you think that is going to make your life better, even though it obviously isnt since I have never ever met a happily well adjusted anorexic or bulimic or binge eater and I defy you to find me one, you wont feel the need to do it anymore. shifting your calories up or down a few hundred calories isnt going to fix anything- it will keep you nurished and alive- but is not the key to recovery. You have to tackle your issues, not your diet, for the bulimia to fade.

You are giving classic eating disorder talk, “I feel like it would be more beneficial to focus on reducing the binging first and then work on increasing calories sowly…” Is that really your motivation, or are you scared to gain weight? Whats the difference between eating 2000 calories and 1500 calories in terms of cutting back on binging? You are going to have to figure out how to stop binging either way, and if not eating 500 calories was the key, you would be recovered, correct? Those 500 calories are to make sure you live- not to stop you from binging. The binging and purging from the 500 calories is because you are scared, and to ever kick this, you have to not be scared- you have to realize that calories don’t mean shit, your weight doesn’ mean shit, and if you stuff yourself full of food and then vomit, no one is going to love you more than they do now, you will not be any more successful, happy, accomplished, beautiful or smart. You will just be angry, depressed, unhealthy, emaciated, and eventually dead. Get mad. This thing is sucking the life from you, and you are accepting it. Don’t blame 500 calories for your binges- its a bigger issue, and if you keep putting the blame on calories you are never going to find a happy relationship with food, and will never be able to move past the place you are in now.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but someone has to be- and Im talking about me and you towards this, not me being harsh to you. The tone comes from knowing exactly what you are going through and the attitude I had to get for me to be able to beat this. You arent to blame, chances are there are some situations, whether you are aware of them yet or not, that have affected the way you feel about yourself that probably werent under your control. Don’t let anyone ever dictate the way you feel- especially food. Psh- what is food? Its fuel for your body. What is weight? It is not a sign of how strong you are, or how much people admire you, or an indicator of how successful you will be. Its the amount of space you take up- who cares? You need to work on your relationship with you, and how you feel about yourself. Eat your 1500 calories, or 2000 calories, and you are going to be triggered to binge and purge no matter what (thats why he/she raised the calories, yes?) so focus on what is really causing you to binge and purge. Each time you get the urge try and figure out why- its not the calories. It might be the way the calories make you feel, the anxiety you get, you had a rough day, you are pissed and dont want to fight anymore- whatever it may be it has nothing to do with those 500 calories.

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Hi, Kelly!

Marsha

Part One: Schedule

This one is hard. Most of the time, when people say they don;t have time to work out, its an excuse because they can make time to workout. I’m going to assume you aren’t exaggerating and that you really truly are that busy- for which, holy cow girl, you poor thing. first of DO NOT CUT DOWN ON YOUR CALORIES you aren’t eating very much as it is, and anything less will halt your progress even more.

So the first thing you need to do is see if there is anyway you can consolidate any of your activites- work and school you obviously have no control over, but are there random errands you do throughout the day that can all be done in one trip at the end of the week? Things you can put off until the weekend? Then, see if there is anything you can do while you workout. Study your textbook on the treadmill? Listen to lectures on your iPod while you walk or lift weights? I find I actually remember material better when I read it while working out- and its harder to get distracted. Next- since your weekend activites aren;t time sensitive, this is when you should be getting in your killer workouts. What you lack in frequency has to be made up with intensity, so find a gym, take some cardio and strength training classes, hire a personal trainer, something that will garantee you get your ass kicked.

Which leads to Part 2: Family

I don;t mean to sound critical, but you are an adult now and your parents have no control over you. This is something that it took me a LONG time to figure out, and actually had to have a counselor scream it in my face because I was always wracked with so much guilt over EVERYTHING when it came to them- even though, at the time, they were toxic for me (which is basically the stem of my past eating disorder and sounds like could be the root of your issues with binging.) Your parents actually sound quite nice, which trust me, even though they can seem overbearing, it could be WAY worse.

You parents raised you and from what I can tell they did a good job. You are responsible, hardworking and can take care of yourself. You do not need to change their habits in order to uphold your healthy ones. They actually sound pretty nice, and not too pressuring, although I know when they are your parents, its harder to stand up to them. Be polite, and just say no thank you. You are going to run into plenty of fituations where people are going to push food on you, and if you cant stand up to the people that love you and support you no matter what, you are going to have a tough time with the people that make fun of you, or roll their eyes.

Just say no. Politely. Say, “thanks mom, and I appreciate you making this food for me, but I’ve told you I am trying to take care of myself and eat better, so I am going to eat what I have prepared for myself.” Make it clear you arent trying to change them, so they shouldnt try and change you.

I’ve been through this. Not so much with unhealthy foods, but with life in general. If your parents are not healthy for you, and they do not help you make wise deicisons for yourself, or make you feel guilty- whether directly or indirectly, don’t see them as often. It didnt even occur to me that I could do that before, but my couselor taught me that you have to look out for number one, which is you, and if anyone, ANYONE, be it family friend or aquaintence, does anything that brings you down, or triggers you to make bad decisions you know you cant afford to make, remove yourself. And trust me, they learn quick. There were many times I would have to stop one of my parents mid sentyence during a visit and say “this situation is not good for me or my health right now and I need to leave. When you can remember to respect that, I’ll come back.” Do that a few times and those critical remarks, backhanded compliments and food pushes will stop quickly.

You need to take care of yourself. You are an adult and no one has control over your life but you. You need to make a change- both in your schedule if its running you ragged, and how you choose to spend your free time if its making you make bad decisions. That doesnt mean you cant see your family, but you may need to teach them that you are an adult and can control how you are treated.

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Hi Kelly-
This is kind of a two part question, and I’m not sure if that’s allowed, but here goes!
I am 5′6″ and recently hit my maintenance weight of 128 pounds by eating an average of 1,700 calories per day. When I started my maintenance eating routine, I increased my calories to 1,800 per day and immediately gained weight. What gives? I work out every day (I run an average of 25 miles per week and do at least one day each of yoga and weight lifting per week), and according to my nutritionist I should be eating about 2,300 calories per day to maintain my weight. The other part is that when I eat intuitively (I’ve been trying to get rid of the calorie counting mindset), I eat only about 1,400 calories per day and feel satisfied, but then one or two days per week I feel absolutely famished and end up binging (e.g., eating about 5,000 calories per day). Why am I not so hungry some days and, despite eating to my satisfaction, famished others?
Thanks!
Justine

Food is weird. and the way our bodies respond to food is weird.

Your maintenance weight isn’t really the weight you decide you are happy at, and stop actively trying to lose. Your body has its own maintenance weight, usually referred to in magazines as “happy weight”, so your true maintenance weight is going to be a compromise of those two. 128 might not be the weight your body is naturally happy at.

That doesn’t mean that you have to weight more than that, because this is still a healthy weight, it just means you are going to have to work at it- guessing and checking and upping and lowering your intake- not drastically, but you are going to have to keep an eye on it to make sure you dont gain or lose weight.

Your “immediately gained” comment kinds of signals me that you went up a pound or two- anytime you change your routine, your body is going to react, and if you kept at the 1800, you would probably have gone right back down a day or two later. Rationally, adding a measly 100 calories can’t possibly cause you to gain fat, since one pound of fat equals 3500 calories.

If you are binging, I would be more likely to point the finger at that for any weight gain.

Binges dont have anything to do with hunger. Being hungry might spark one, but no one is truly hungry for 5000 calories worth of food (Im thinking this issue might be why you have a nutritionist?) I naturally eat a lower amount of food when I go by hunger instead of numbers, which is why I always have to do mental checks to see if I ate enough (and honestly, I think its fun when I haven’t had enough and get to have an extra intentional snack.) I think this is pretty much true for everyone. If you binge, its for a reason, and part of that reason is probably because you get hungry. When you allow yourself to get hungry, you are compelled to eat, like a normal person. But people with binging issues cant stop and continue to eat. You are hungry because you arent eating enough, but the reason you binge is something else entirely and to find the answer to that you are going to have to look at a lot of other factors besides food.

It sounds to me, and of course I can be wrong because I never get the full picture from these questions, like you have issues with food which is why you are so preoccupied with calories one day, but then can binge on over 5000 calories the next. My focus wouldnt be so much on maintaining your weight, it would be getting your eating under control, and coming to healthy place where it isn’t a constant struggle for you, and then you can safely manipulate your calories to worry about keeping a specific goal weight.

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Hi Kelly,

Thank you
Annonymous

You kind of answered your own question in the question. You have to stop the binges first, then the urge goes away- you have to fight. It would be easy if it were the other way around- if you didn’t feel compelled to binge, you wouldn’t have to do it.

You have to fake it till you make it. White knuckle it. All those other cliches.

Of course its easier said than done. The first thing you have to do is decide that you have a choice. You always have a choice. Each bite of food that you put into your mouth is another opportunity to decide to stop. I used to have the mentality that, “well, I already started binging so I might as well finish it up because I blew bit already” but this is the wrong way of thinking- its just making excuses for yourself. Each step is a success, so if you stop one bite into the binge, or one bite

So what happens? You start to binge, and try and stop, but you get anxious. All you can think about it finishing your binge, and you won;t be able to calm down until you do. You might physically get shakey, or your heart might beat fast and your head spins (sounds like drugs, no?) but guess what? That feeling goes away. Research shows it goes away within an hour, but mine usually didn’t take that long.

The trick now is to distract yourself. You can go about it one of two ways: you can tackle it head on and try and sort through your feelings, or you can ignore them completely. Generally, in the beginning its best to just distract yourself, and do anything you can to pass the time: call a friend, go for a walk- but its usually best if you get out of the house and away from food until the urge goes away. Then, when you get better are resisting the urge, you can use your anxiety to try and figure out why you respond to food the way you do: why do I want to binge right now? what happened that is causing me to react this way? journal about it. talk to yourself out loud. Lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling and just listen to all the thoughts racing through your head and shoot each one down. No i dont need to binge. No it wont make me feel better. No this isnt going to solve anything. No this is not the person I want to be.

The urge will go away when you stop giving into the binges. You are binging because its the only way you know how to deal with your anxiety, but when you dont let yourself do it anymore, you will naturally lose the need to. The clearer your mind gets, and the better you feel about yourself after resisting a few times, you’ll start to realize exactly what triggers you and find a way to deal with it head on- not in a self destructive way. Good luck.

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Hi Kelly,

Ally

First- congrats on your recovery and doing so well. 8 days may not seem like much to other people, but for a binger, that seems like an eternity.

I can’t give you specific advice, because everyone that suffers from an eating disorder responds to different treatments differently, but what I can do is tell you how I handled food during recovery, and tell that for your specific situation only you are your psychologist are going to be able to figure out whats best for you.

Generally, for bingers and bulimics, strict in terms of food is your friend. Generally, a binge (and purge, if applicable, as in my case) is caused by feeling like you ate too much and “blew it” already, triggering your anxiety. Once that anxiety is triggered and burning in the pit of your stomach and clogging your brain, you do the only thing you know how to make it go away: eat more. That seems stupid to people that dont understand, and even to me now as I am recovered, but food is what bingers use to make them feel good- either numb or calm.

The only way I could explain a binge/purge episode to someone that didnt understand an had it make sense was this:

I would start out eating a normal meal, doing my best to eat healthy. Suddenly, I would feel like I ate too, much and the anxiety would set in. I had that full stomach feeling, which equalled weak and fat, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, obsessing about it, beating myself up, and I could not stop the anxiety, it consumed me. I knew that the only way I could stop thinking about food, was to not want food anymore, so I would eat everything insight until I was so full I couldn’t walk. Right after a binge was the only time I felt calm because i didnt want want food- and every other second of every day I always thought about food. I knew i was going to purge afterward so the calories didnt bother me, so I would sit for about 5 minutes enjoying my clam, and then the fear of digesting the calories sets in and I have to go purge. The calm, or high, whatever you call it, only lasts a few minutes, which is why bulimics binge and purge over and over again, up to 8 times a days.

My counselor made me eat strictly- but under my own terms. I had to keep a food journal, and he gave me a calorie goal and as long as I stayed there and didnt purge, we called it a good day. eventually, we incorporated more healthy foods and slowly upped my intake to not trigger me. The first hurdle is to stop the binges, and the only way to do that is to stop before you get to far which takes more self control than anyone can imagine, but eventually it get easier.

Your counselor and you will come up with strategies to stop binges and eat healthily. You wont have to go it alone, and you will find some thing that will work for you but might not for anyone else. The binges are the first thing to tackle, so dont over obsess about your everyday calories- thats what sends you into a binge episode in the first place.

Good luck!

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I wrote an article for Twirlit.com a few days back about Samantha Clowe, a young woman desperate to lose weight for her wedding and to gain the respect of her coworkers. She did the LighterLife diet, which puts people on 530 calories per day for up to 12 weeks. Her 11th week on the diet, she died of heart failure.

You can read the whole story here.

The results were inconclusive as to wether or not the diet is actually to blame, but wether it was or not, I took the stance of not blaming the diet per se, because everyone is a free thinking individual, and should arm themselves with knowledge before plunging head first into something, especially a crash diet, even if you are desperate. I also pointed out that just because you are over weight doesn’t mean you can safely starve. You cannot live off of stored fat- its toxic.

Some blame the diet, some blame the girl, some blame society. More than anyone, I blame her doctor who was monitoring her and should have known better, and saw her rapid weight loss and knew of her diet- yet let her continue.

It brings up another point, however. You have a thin woman, say 120 pounds. Then you have a heavier woman, say 225 pounds. Both tell their seperate circles they are trying to lose weight, and are going to do it by consuming only 530 calories per day (on their own, no diet plan.) What would the respective reactions be?

The thin girl would be met with concerns, reassurances she doesn’t need to lose weight and that eating that little is starvation, borderline anorexic behavior.

The overweight girl would be met with congratulations for finally doing something about her weight, sticking to a plan, and having the self control to restrict to such a low number of calories.

Both are on the exact same “plan” yet since one doesn’t “need” to lose weight, and the other “does” (by society’s standard, at least) they get opposite reactions. The intake is just as dangerously low for each woman, but we think its “safer” for the over weight woman because she has fat to lose.

This is so wrong, and how people die.

There are SO MANY over weight girls with eating disorders, yet no one notices or voices concern. They are in just as much danger as those that are thin. In fact, most bulimics are normal to over weight simply because you can’t ever purge everything, and they binge so often that those remainder calories add up. Most people who die from eating disorders don’t die from starvation- they die from organ and heart failure due to electrolite imbalances. You don’t have to be painfully thin to be in danger.

I cringe everytime I hear someone tell an over weight person to “just stop eating.” Because what if they listen? A person’s weight is not an indicator of how in danger they are. Someone who is over weight’sr body needs just as much nutrition as anyone else’s and if it doesn’t recieve it, it will give out. If you see someone exhibiting eating disordered behaviors, don’t dismiss them because they are over weight. And if you are engaging in binging and purging or starvation, and feel that it isn’t a big deal because you aren’t stick thin, don’t fool yourself.

You could end up just like Samantha.

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Hi Kelly,

-Magdalena

The first thing is that if you are scared you may relapse, you need to go back to therapy. Therapy isnt a one time thing- its a process so short check ins when you feel your self slip is a must. Your therapist that knows your history will be able to give you more specific ideas on how to handle your personal triggers.

Changes are scary and usually the reason people with EDs isolate themselves. The fewer number of factors you have to deal with, the easier it is to focus on your ED- whether you are trying to get better or still in the midst of your disease. Recognizing that this is going to be a problem for you is a good sign- being scared of a relapse is healthier than knowing you can rely on one when things get tough.

The best thing you can do to keep control is take away as many of the unknown factors as possible: which means planning, planning, planning. Plan out your meals and stick to them no matter what. People will look at you funny when you whip out a meal you brought with you at a party but who cares. If you trust them, tell them the truth that this is what you need to do to keep yourself healthy or if you don’t think they would react well or don’t want them to know, lie.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

Something is going weird with my thyroid and I have to eat a special diet so my doctor can figure out what’s going on (I actually have to do this sometimes, so you can use it and know no one can call you out on it)

Im training for a race/event/competition, and need to eat strictly to be ready.

Im allergic to ______ and its easier to just plan ahead.

Im broke.

or tell people you are planning on becoming a personal trainer and want to start eating healthy, which isnt really a lie. try keeping a food journal so you are aware of what you are eating and can keep your calories consistent.

Set up your home with only healthy foods- don’t have anything you would binge on in the house.

The stress of life isnt going to go away with a binge, so deal with what is stressing you head on. keep a planner so you know what you need to do and when it needs to be done, and exercise is always a great stress reliever.

Binging is all about just making the decision not to, and planning ahead to make sure you aren’t triggered. With all the big life changes you are planning, though, I would seriously consider talking to therapist again. there’s nothing wrong in it- its just one more way you can plan ahead and head off the problem. Prevention is key.

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Kick Your Emotional Eating

I have found that most people with food issues, no matter whether its bulimia, anorexia, binging, or anything in between, have the same personality trait in common: they need immediate gratification.

Ok, I can’t take credit for figuring that out on my own, my counselor shared that little pearl with me, but ever since he said it, its become very obvious to me, especially within myself.

Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I dont get how food isnt a big deal to them.

It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat.

To people with food issues, hunger is either a screaming alarm telling you that if you dont eat right now and fill this void you aren’t going to be able to think about anything else until its taken care of, or a big high five saying, “great job, you are being strong, keep it up.” Either way, that stupid little hunger cue (which if you have ever had a past in binging, you know its not even hunger, simply not being full is enough to send you into a anxious food spiral.)

Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW.

THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensly at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit.

It took me a while to figure out how to tell when I was genuinely hungry or not. I was always scared of being hungry, and at first I thought it was because I didnt want to engage in restriction patterns like I used to before bulimia put me in a choke hold (I dappled in starvation, but was never very good at it) but I later realized that was a lie I told myself to rationalize continueing to abuse food. I was actually scared of getting hungry because I would get anxious, and nervous, and I needed my fix. Eventually, with a lot of white knuckling I got through it, got used to it, and figured out my REAL hunger cues as opposed to my anxious hunger cues.

I discovered its ok to be hungry. I’m actually hungry right now but wanted to finish this post first. That’s not restricting, its not starving and as long as Im not about to pass out, its perfectly healthy. I don’t use food to fill voids anymore.

Except for the one that’s in my stomach, so I’m going to go eat now.

Eating disorders are full of all kinds of contradictory feelings. You hate yourself, but you are consumed by yourself. You think you are fat, but you know you are the smallest person in the room and love it. You hate food, but you love it- its all you think about, its all you care about. You do everything in your power to lose weight so others will notice, but you get uncomfortable and mad when people comment on it. You do everything for other people, yet you are so self absorbed, you can’t see beyond your body and the fridge.

Recovery is no different. You want to put yourself first and get healthy, but you are still so used to living for what other’s think. The hardest lesson to learn is that recovery is all about being selfish. You have to be 100% on, all of the time, constantly making sure you are checking your ED feelings, thoughts, actions and motives. That’s a full time job: you don’t have time to worry about other people’s thoughts or motives.

You have to stop caring what other people think of you.

I remember one specific time, a few years back when I had just started to really take recovery seriously, my parents invited me over to dinner.

A little back story: I haven’t lived at home since I was 18. I mean, the second I turned 18, I got the fuck out of there. I moved about 30 minutes away. My mother has never seen my apartment. She’s never asked to. She’s never made an effort to. So the only time I see my mom and dad is when I go over to pick up my mail once a weekend.

There were so many times I would go into a therapy session and have to admit that I had slipped up. I binged and purged. I always felt so ashamed, but my counselor never judged me: he barely even blinked when I would tell him I had given in. All he would say was “why?” This was always followed with a ton of “woe is me” responses and how tired I was of fighting and blah, blah, blah. He would politely tell me, yet again, that’s not why I did it, those are the feelings I get AFTER i did it. So what caused it?

Usually, when we got past by usual crap-canned answers, it stemmed from a visit to the folks. I was ignored, or told I wasn’t good enough in one way or another, or I was told I must not be doing well in my recovery because I looked just as skinny.

So one day in session, my counselor straight up asked me, “why do you go over there?”

“To see my parents.”

“But why? You always slip up when you see them- they aren’t good for your recovery right now. They still can control your feelings. Why do you subject yourself to that?”

“Because I have to go see them. They are my parents.” (I wasn’t very introspective back then)

“You don’t have to do anything. Why do you feel obligated to subject yourself to that? You don’t deserve that. No one does. So why do you keep going back for more?”

“I don’t know.”

“What would happen if you didn’t go over?”

“My mom will get mad and I’ll have to hear about it over and over.”

“So don’t be around to hear it.”

“I have to- she calls.”

“Don’t answer the phone. Why do you have to talk to her?”

“I’d feel bad.” I wasn’t allowed to say bad, because bad isn’t an emotion, so I had to reanswer. “I’d feel guilty.”

GUILT.

The magic word.

My life up until that point had been ruled by guilt. I felt guilty for not being a good daughter. I felt guilty for having an eating disorder and putting everyone through the stress of worrying about me. I felt guilty for being a bad girlfriend. A bad friend. I felt guilty when my mom would call and make passive aggressive comments about whatever the topic of the day was and I felt guilty for leaving my dad with her. I was always feeling guilt.

“You know what guilt is?” he asked me. “It’s when you let other people control how you feel. If you really want to get better, you need to put yourself first from this point forward. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Say no. Don’t be scared to hurt anyone’s feelings. Do what is going to get you healthy, and don’t give it a second thought.”

So, back to dinner at the parent’s. I came, made chit chat and waited for dinner. I don’t remember what we had, but I remember it was something I specifically told her I could not eat. She knew what I was and was not allowed to eat at that point in time, and purposefully made it anyway. Or she just didn’t find it important enough to remember. Either way, I was not considered.

She set the food down. I immediately stood up, thanked her for making dinner and for them inviting me over, but told them I cannot eat this food because I’m in recovery and it will trigger me, and I need to leave.

And I did.

I walked out.

Guess what happened? Nothing. Well, actually, I had to endure a lot of phone calls, some silent treatment, and it getting brought up over and over again (notice no apology) but honestly, I didn’t care. I learned to look out for me, and finally, FINALLY make a decision with only my best interest at heart.

I always thought being selfish was a bad thing: one of the worst personality traits a person can have. But being selfish is a neccessity when you are trying to get your life on track. Letting other people rule your emotions and thoughts is the surest way to give into self destructive patterns.

Stop living for what other people think of you,because at the end of the day, you are the only person you have to report to. Take pride in putting yourself first.

www.toothpastefordinner.com

There is a Seinfeld episode that turned a corner in recovery.

I know how weird that sounds.

But there is a scene where Jerry is talking about Night-time Jerry and Morning Jerry. There are two different people inside Jerry that hate each other. Night-time Jerry says- “yeah! let’s stay up all night, its no problem”, but then when morning comes, Morning Jerry is the one that has to wake up. Morning Jerry hates Night-time Jerry.

The same battle was going on through my recovery.

Bulimia is weird. You are literally two different people: Pre-episode you, and Post-episode you. Pre-episode (binge and purge) you is anxious and short sighted. All Pre can think of getting rid of that anxious feeling. Pre gets sick of fighting and handling situations on its own and the only thing it wants to do is b/p. It knows it will feel better afterwards. Calmer. Numb. Pre-you doesn’t ever remember how horrible you feel afterwards, or how a b/p will set you back and make you feel weak and stupid. You aren’t rational: you are like a junkie looking for a fix and you know only one way to get the feeling you are looking for…

Post- you has a clearer head. You feel weak, lazy and sick, and so disappointed in yourself that you gave into Pre- you again. After and episode, the fog clears a bit, and nothing has changed, except you blew it. Again.

Write when you are feeling your best and worst. Have Pre write to Post-you and have Post write to Pre-you. OR have motivated you, write to Post-you. (this is usually what I did.)

Literally write to the other person. When you are in that frame of mind of all you want to do in binge and purge, you can’t think straight- who better to talk you out of it but your very own words, when you can’t summon them yourself?

Somedays you will be so motivated its unbelieveable. Take advantage of that write. Write about how great you feel, how excited you are to get healthy, and how proud you are of yourself. Because on those days where you think, “what’s the point? I’m sick of fighting” you can read those words and remember what it feels like to be so excited about life.

I kept a recovery journal, which is was my saving grace. It is probably the realest I have ever been with myself, and I still have it to this day.

I’ve never shared my recovery journal with anyone, so this is big for me, but I’m going to share some excerpts where I have done this very thing.

Highly motivated, writing to Post-Episode Me:

“I just ate my first normal meal is as long as i can remember. Jerome [same, current boyfriend] took me to Azteca, asking early in the day to make sure it was ok. i ate a couple chips, and one mozzarella stick. I stopped before the meal came (success #1) I ordered Veggi-Enchilladas (success #2*) and didn’t finish all of it! (Success # 3, 4 and 5!!!**) We had dessert, shared it, and had the same amount (success #6***) I never considered purging. I even told Jerome I wasn’t comfortable with the appetizers so I wasn’t going to eay much of them. Of course I thought about purging, but I didn’t consider it. This is the closest to normal I’ve felt in forever and its amazing!”

I re-read this post so many times when i was feeling the urge to b/p. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but I could read those words and be reminded that I can feel GOOD, and the only time i feel good is when I do what I am supposed to, and don’t give in to my eating disorder.

When you are in the midst of anxiety and fear and feeling fat and weak (Pre-episode you), its nearly impossible to rationalize your way out of it. Having your very words to break you out of that in-the-moment moment is your very best chance to resist that urge.

*Normally when I went out to dinner, I had a fuck-it attitude and would order the very worst thing for me, with the most amount of food. Ordering a healthy choice was a huge accomplishment.

** Leaving food on my plate when I was so used to stuffing myself until I couldn’t fit any more food in my belly was the hardest thing to learn how to do. Not only not stuffing myself, but actually leaving food on the plate was also huge.

***I paced myself with my boy to gauge how much i should eat. Its a great trick when you are really struggling and worked like a charm.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder, or think you might be, and have some pretty private questions, feel free to email me anytime at kelly@everygymsnightmare.com