Every Gym’s Nightmare

Hi Kelly,
I’m trying to recover from bulimia right now and am really struggling with reducing binging. I’m seeing an eating disorder therapist who says that I have to increase my calories to at least 2000 in order to
stop binging (I’ve already increased them to 1500, which is significantly more than before and I’m not underweight), but I’ve been finding that trying to increase over 1500 directly leads to binge/purges. I feel like it would be more beneficial to focus on reducing the binging first and then work on increasing caloriesslowly…how did you go about doing this? Did you try to stop the
binging first? My biggest underlying problem with eating is actually restricting/being rigid about food intake and I feel like tackling the two issues at once is too much.

I guess I don’t totally know what I’m asking…I guess how you went about the recovery process? I really like your blog and think you’ve accomplished so much already at 23! I’m 22. Thanks Kelly!! ~Rachel

Thanks for your kind words- that means a lot!

The first thing you have to realize is that your binging and purging episodes have nothing to do with the amount of calories you eat- it has to do with the anxiety- and your anxiety causes you to binge and purge. The calories themselves aren’t triggering you, its the fact you are scared to eat that many. You have to deal with why you are scared, and why you get anxious when you eat more, which is probably because its a disruption to your food routine, which sends you into a tail spin.

Messing with calories to stop binging and purging is like treating the symptom instead of the disease.

What my counselor and I did first was find the level of calories at which I was comfortable eating first, and then compromised to a point where I was at least at an amount we could both be comfortable with (me to not gain weight, he so that I wouldn’t die) made sure i ate that, and then moved onto the binges. He checked my intake for the first 10 minutes, told me to up it about 200 every other week or so, and as we tackled my issues, those increases weren;t a big deal. Sometimes they were, which meant I was having a bad week- so it soom became glaring obvious to me that my fear of calories had to do with control- when I felt out of control I was scared to up them, but when I was doing good it was no big deal.

Moving your calories up and down isnt going to cure you. Ill say this a million times- it has nothing to do with food. Once you figure out why you feel the need to torture and punish yourself, and why you think that is going to make your life better, even though it obviously isnt since I have never ever met a happily well adjusted anorexic or bulimic or binge eater and I defy you to find me one, you wont feel the need to do it anymore. shifting your calories up or down a few hundred calories isnt going to fix anything- it will keep you nurished and alive- but is not the key to recovery. You have to tackle your issues, not your diet, for the bulimia to fade.

You are giving classic eating disorder talk, “I feel like it would be more beneficial to focus on reducing the binging first and then work on increasing calories sowly…” Is that really your motivation, or are you scared to gain weight? Whats the difference between eating 2000 calories and 1500 calories in terms of cutting back on binging? You are going to have to figure out how to stop binging either way, and if not eating 500 calories was the key, you would be recovered, correct? Those 500 calories are to make sure you live- not to stop you from binging. The binging and purging from the 500 calories is because you are scared, and to ever kick this, you have to not be scared- you have to realize that calories don’t mean shit, your weight doesn’ mean shit, and if you stuff yourself full of food and then vomit, no one is going to love you more than they do now, you will not be any more successful, happy, accomplished, beautiful or smart. You will just be angry, depressed, unhealthy, emaciated, and eventually dead. Get mad. This thing is sucking the life from you, and you are accepting it. Don’t blame 500 calories for your binges- its a bigger issue, and if you keep putting the blame on calories you are never going to find a happy relationship with food, and will never be able to move past the place you are in now.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but someone has to be- and Im talking about me and you towards this, not me being harsh to you. The tone comes from knowing exactly what you are going through and the attitude I had to get for me to be able to beat this. You arent to blame, chances are there are some situations, whether you are aware of them yet or not, that have affected the way you feel about yourself that probably werent under your control. Don’t let anyone ever dictate the way you feel- especially food. Psh- what is food? Its fuel for your body. What is weight? It is not a sign of how strong you are, or how much people admire you, or an indicator of how successful you will be. Its the amount of space you take up- who cares? You need to work on your relationship with you, and how you feel about yourself. Eat your 1500 calories, or 2000 calories, and you are going to be triggered to binge and purge no matter what (thats why he/she raised the calories, yes?) so focus on what is really causing you to binge and purge. Each time you get the urge try and figure out why- its not the calories. It might be the way the calories make you feel, the anxiety you get, you had a rough day, you are pissed and dont want to fight anymore- whatever it may be it has nothing to do with those 500 calories.

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Hi, Kelly!

Marsha

Part One: Schedule

This one is hard. Most of the time, when people say they don;t have time to work out, its an excuse because they can make time to workout. I’m going to assume you aren’t exaggerating and that you really truly are that busy- for which, holy cow girl, you poor thing. first of DO NOT CUT DOWN ON YOUR CALORIES you aren’t eating very much as it is, and anything less will halt your progress even more.

So the first thing you need to do is see if there is anyway you can consolidate any of your activites- work and school you obviously have no control over, but are there random errands you do throughout the day that can all be done in one trip at the end of the week? Things you can put off until the weekend? Then, see if there is anything you can do while you workout. Study your textbook on the treadmill? Listen to lectures on your iPod while you walk or lift weights? I find I actually remember material better when I read it while working out- and its harder to get distracted. Next- since your weekend activites aren;t time sensitive, this is when you should be getting in your killer workouts. What you lack in frequency has to be made up with intensity, so find a gym, take some cardio and strength training classes, hire a personal trainer, something that will garantee you get your ass kicked.

Which leads to Part 2: Family

I don;t mean to sound critical, but you are an adult now and your parents have no control over you. This is something that it took me a LONG time to figure out, and actually had to have a counselor scream it in my face because I was always wracked with so much guilt over EVERYTHING when it came to them- even though, at the time, they were toxic for me (which is basically the stem of my past eating disorder and sounds like could be the root of your issues with binging.) Your parents actually sound quite nice, which trust me, even though they can seem overbearing, it could be WAY worse.

You parents raised you and from what I can tell they did a good job. You are responsible, hardworking and can take care of yourself. You do not need to change their habits in order to uphold your healthy ones. They actually sound pretty nice, and not too pressuring, although I know when they are your parents, its harder to stand up to them. Be polite, and just say no thank you. You are going to run into plenty of fituations where people are going to push food on you, and if you cant stand up to the people that love you and support you no matter what, you are going to have a tough time with the people that make fun of you, or roll their eyes.

Just say no. Politely. Say, “thanks mom, and I appreciate you making this food for me, but I’ve told you I am trying to take care of myself and eat better, so I am going to eat what I have prepared for myself.” Make it clear you arent trying to change them, so they shouldnt try and change you.

I’ve been through this. Not so much with unhealthy foods, but with life in general. If your parents are not healthy for you, and they do not help you make wise deicisons for yourself, or make you feel guilty- whether directly or indirectly, don’t see them as often. It didnt even occur to me that I could do that before, but my couselor taught me that you have to look out for number one, which is you, and if anyone, ANYONE, be it family friend or aquaintence, does anything that brings you down, or triggers you to make bad decisions you know you cant afford to make, remove yourself. And trust me, they learn quick. There were many times I would have to stop one of my parents mid sentyence during a visit and say “this situation is not good for me or my health right now and I need to leave. When you can remember to respect that, I’ll come back.” Do that a few times and those critical remarks, backhanded compliments and food pushes will stop quickly.

You need to take care of yourself. You are an adult and no one has control over your life but you. You need to make a change- both in your schedule if its running you ragged, and how you choose to spend your free time if its making you make bad decisions. That doesnt mean you cant see your family, but you may need to teach them that you are an adult and can control how you are treated.

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Hi Kelly-
This is kind of a two part question, and I’m not sure if that’s allowed, but here goes!
I am 5′6″ and recently hit my maintenance weight of 128 pounds by eating an average of 1,700 calories per day. When I started my maintenance eating routine, I increased my calories to 1,800 per day and immediately gained weight. What gives? I work out every day (I run an average of 25 miles per week and do at least one day each of yoga and weight lifting per week), and according to my nutritionist I should be eating about 2,300 calories per day to maintain my weight. The other part is that when I eat intuitively (I’ve been trying to get rid of the calorie counting mindset), I eat only about 1,400 calories per day and feel satisfied, but then one or two days per week I feel absolutely famished and end up binging (e.g., eating about 5,000 calories per day). Why am I not so hungry some days and, despite eating to my satisfaction, famished others?
Thanks!
Justine

Food is weird. and the way our bodies respond to food is weird.

Your maintenance weight isn’t really the weight you decide you are happy at, and stop actively trying to lose. Your body has its own maintenance weight, usually referred to in magazines as “happy weight”, so your true maintenance weight is going to be a compromise of those two. 128 might not be the weight your body is naturally happy at.

That doesn’t mean that you have to weight more than that, because this is still a healthy weight, it just means you are going to have to work at it- guessing and checking and upping and lowering your intake- not drastically, but you are going to have to keep an eye on it to make sure you dont gain or lose weight.

Your “immediately gained” comment kinds of signals me that you went up a pound or two- anytime you change your routine, your body is going to react, and if you kept at the 1800, you would probably have gone right back down a day or two later. Rationally, adding a measly 100 calories can’t possibly cause you to gain fat, since one pound of fat equals 3500 calories.

If you are binging, I would be more likely to point the finger at that for any weight gain.

Binges dont have anything to do with hunger. Being hungry might spark one, but no one is truly hungry for 5000 calories worth of food (Im thinking this issue might be why you have a nutritionist?) I naturally eat a lower amount of food when I go by hunger instead of numbers, which is why I always have to do mental checks to see if I ate enough (and honestly, I think its fun when I haven’t had enough and get to have an extra intentional snack.) I think this is pretty much true for everyone. If you binge, its for a reason, and part of that reason is probably because you get hungry. When you allow yourself to get hungry, you are compelled to eat, like a normal person. But people with binging issues cant stop and continue to eat. You are hungry because you arent eating enough, but the reason you binge is something else entirely and to find the answer to that you are going to have to look at a lot of other factors besides food.

It sounds to me, and of course I can be wrong because I never get the full picture from these questions, like you have issues with food which is why you are so preoccupied with calories one day, but then can binge on over 5000 calories the next. My focus wouldnt be so much on maintaining your weight, it would be getting your eating under control, and coming to healthy place where it isn’t a constant struggle for you, and then you can safely manipulate your calories to worry about keeping a specific goal weight.

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Hey Kelly!

-Amy Hansen

Amy- there are a few things to consider:

1) The Harris Benedict formula is to figure out how many calories you need to maintain your weight. In order to safely lose weight (about 1 pound a week) you want to subtract about 500 calories from that (500 calories equals 3,500 over a week: 3,500 calories are in a pound, so viola!) so in order to lose, you should be eating around 1,800-2,00 calories a day. Bleh, math.

2) 1,200- 1,500 is way too low. You aren’t going to drop weight if you don’t eat enough- which makes all that exercise you are doing a waste. I say it over and over, but if your body is starving, not matter how much you make it work, it isn’t going to burn calories, so you definately shouldnt be anywhere under 1,600, especially for the weight you are at.

3) Your body only needs a day in between to heal from strength training so you can split your strength training up a number of different ways. You can do full body each time, you can alternate upper and lower (which means one week you will do upper twice and one week you will do lower twice) or you can split it into random muscle groups, or you can do full body one day, then abs and core the next- it really doesnt matter. As long as you give your muscles one day of rest in between workouts (at least) you’ll be fine. Remember: We give our bodies too much credit. Weeks are a man-made thing, your body doesnt think in terms of weeks, so dont worry so much about being even. However, 2 times a week isnt bad, so don;t fret too much

4) Some good sites to check out for exercises are: Youtube.com (just type in the body part you want to work) PTontheNet.com (you have to search a bit for free stuff, but if you sign up for a membership- that’s what my work uses when we aren’t feeling creative), Workoutz.com. There are a million. Just search free workout videos and you’ll find anything you could ever want.

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Kelly,
I’m trying to gain weight after cutting down too far. I’m 5′4″ and around 110 pounds. I’m not clinically underweight, but my shoulders and back are way too bony. I’d like to gain around 5-10 pounds, but I’d want it to be muscle, not fat.
So, a few interrelated questions: How much should I eat so that I can get hypertrophy but not just be packing on weight? What is a good rate of increase (where I know that the gain is healthy)? How much does food quality count? I eat clean most of the time, but since I have a liiittle extra room right now, would eating a few extra Newman O’s derail my muscle goals? How hard do I need to be working out to grow muscle? I lift weights 3x a week, but should I leave the gym wanting to collapse, or just be fatigued? What do you recommend for cardio? I walk around my campus all day and jog to the gym and back (it’s a about a 1/4 mile each way), but other than that I’m not doing much…bad, I know. Do you find adding some cardio helps healthy gains, as long as it’s not creating a deficit?
Thank you!- Mimi

What refreshing question. Isnt it a shame that most of you probably have no idea what the answer to these questions are? Its because every fitness outlet assumes everyone wants to lose weight, which drives me nuts.

Im going to take this question by question so I dont miss anything.

How much should I eat so that I can get hypertrophy but not just be packing on weight?

First off: wow on using the word hypertrophy. You are going to need to eat a little bit more, but its just because you are going to have to work out HARD to gain muscle mass. Eat to support your activity level, which you can figure out here.

What is a good rate of increase (where I know that the gain is healthy)?

Its all going to depend on how hard you go at it. To make sure you are gaining weight, but that it is muscle, you are going to have to keep track of your weight and your body fat. Your body fat should stay the same as your weight goes up. Gaining muscle isnt dangerous to your health like losing weight can be, so there isnt a safe, or healthy time frame. You arent going to gain muscle too fast- its hard to do.

How much does food quality count? I eat clean most of the time, but since I have a liiittle extra room right now, would eating a few extra Newman O’s derail my muscle goals?

This is the fun part. The quality of the food you are consuming is important, but extras aren’t. What I mean is, you have to make sure you are eating all your needs: protein, carbs, veggies and fruits, low fat dairy and healthy fats. Since youare shredding your muscles you are going to need to factor that in when you think about protein- probably about 1 gram per kg of body weight, as opposed to the .8 the average exerciser needs. Beyond that, as long as you aren’t eating too many calories, you can indulge every once in a while. Its different from trying to lose weight, where you have to cut out all the extra crap, but if you hit all your food groups, and still need some calories, eat a cookie. Thats my philosophy on eating in general, though.

How hard do I need to be working out to grow muscle? I lift weights 3x a week, but should I leave the gym wanting to collapse, or just be fatigued?

ok here’s the nitty gritty stuff: heavy weights, lower reps. everyone gains muscle at a different rate, so I cant give you concrete numbers on weight and frequency, but when you are trying to gain muscle mass, you are going to have to lift harder. Instead of the 12-15 reps most people lift with, you are going to have to find a weight that maxes you at 6-8 reps, and actually maxes you to the point of failure (you literally cannot do another rep with good form.) Feeling like you want to collapse depends on your threshold, but in the beginning you are probably going to feel that way. You are probably going to find yourself moving through your routine a lot slower too because you are going to need time to recover between each set. I would recommend working each muscle group every other day, which means full body every other day or split workouts (upper and lower, or however you split them) every day. Thinks how hard body builders have to work out and how often: thats what you want to train like, you are just in the baby stages of it. When you lift for gains, you are going to be lifting heavy weights, so dont combine exercises (like lunges with bicep curls) because to have heavy enough weights to max your arms at 6-8 reps, you are going to need to hold a steady base (feet shoulder width apart, knees bent, or sitting on a bench) to protect yourself. I cant stress that enough- do only isolation exercises- or else you are going to injure yourself

I walk around my campus all day and jog to the gym and back (it’s a about a 1/4 mile each way), but other than that I’m not doing much…bad, I know. Do you find adding some cardio helps healthy gains, as long as it’s not creating a deficit?

Cardio is what is going to keep the fat weight off. Lifting to max yourself isn’t going to get the heart rate up (its till burns calories because the heavier you lift the harder your body works, and it needs more calories to repair itself, which is factored into the equation i linked to) or atleast, not for very long, so cardio will keep you lean, and plus, you still need all the cardio benefits. Luckily, since weight loss isnt an issue, you dont have to do very much- just the baseline for health: 30 minutes of moderate intensity most days of the week (4-6). Everyone needs to do this amount of cardio, just to keep yourself healthy. If it ends up creating a deficit, you need to eat more to counter act it.

Basically, to gain weight with muscle you have to lift heavy weights often, eat more because you are increasing the intensity of your workouts, be sure to get enough protein to repair your muscles, and keep doing cardio, but don’t create a deficit.

Im pretty sure there are going to be some follow up questions for this, so Mimi, and everyone, feel free to ask.

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That cartoon makes me seem biased, but I’m really not, it just made me laugh. You’ll see why that clarification is important in a sec.

So, I decided fittingbackin wins the name my column contest, maybe because it was closest to my original idea, but definately because it conveys I am a trainer with a rant to go on. What do you win? Nothing. Sorry about that. But look! A link to your site!

So this is another one where you guys can get in on the action. I’m working on an article for Twirlit.com about vegans and vegetarians and whether or not “fad” or “experimental” or “I really just want a way to justify eating nothing but fruits and veggies to lose weight” vegans and vegetarians cheapen the vegan and vegetarian lifestyle.

SO, I want to hear from you if:

1) you are a true vegan and vegetarian living the lifestyle for moral purposes (oppose the treatment of animals, health purposes, such as allergies, or intolerances, or if you truely just believe it is better for your health and body, or if there is another reason I am missing). I prefer if you have been eating as such for over 2 years, but am open. Also, any info you can give to enlighten everyone on why choose to live this way and how you feel when other people dapple in it

2) If you have experiemented with either veganism or vegetarianism for a predetermined amount of time, (”I’m going to try out veganism for 2 weeks”) have used it as a means to lose weight, because you were curious to see if you could do it- like a personal challenge, or just wanted to try it for anyother reason but didn’t stick to it.

3) All others who have/have not tried it, and what you think about people that experiment with diets (diest in the literal term). Do you think it lessens the vegan and vegetarian diet as a whole, when people try it without moral cause?

I may use quotes in the peice like I did with the Jillian article, so the more thoughtful the better.

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I have question about my girlfriend. She has been having problems losing some stubborn fat around her belly, thighs and butt. She weighs around 154Lbs and stands around 5′9”.

Regards,
Nathan

I trust your workouts are intense, so given that there can be a number of things going on-

FOOD: You are right in that some people lose weight when they increase their intake. People often think they have to eat around 1600 calories to lose weight, but thats because its an average number most TV shows and magazines tell us- but think how differently we all workout/eat/are shaped and we all have different metabolisms, and for most people this is too low. If you eat too few calories, your body won’t let you burn them because it thinks your are starving it- and your body’s whole purpose is to keep you alive. Eating to little lowers your metabolism, so even if you are kicking ass in the gym, you won’t burn much, if at all. To truly figure out how many calories you need for your body type, and activity level, see this post. You’d be suprised how many people people need 2000 calories and up. (I need 2300 to maintain my weight and I weight 123.)

BODY TYPE: 154 isn’t an unhealthy weight, and shouldn’t be treated as such. If she can get through her workouts and is in good health, her weight isn’t holding her back from anything- she just doesn’t like how it looks. Some women are shaped differently than others, and even for 2 women that are the same height, one may be able to weight significantly less than the other without effort, and for the other it may not be a safe or realistic weight. Some women just need more fat. Fat is where estrogen is stored, so, as opposed to guys who can can have very low body fat and still be relatively healthy, we need a lot more to keep menstrating, etc. I know that doesn’t mean much to the person who is unhappy with their weight, but people are built differently, and have different shapes and happy weights.

ETC: Something medical may be going on (thyroid, metabolism issue, etc.) so if its a huge concern I would get some blood work done. If you are working out 5 days a week, there might be a possibility she is overtraining. When you push your body too hard for too long, it will rebel and shut down. You’ll still be able to get through your exercises, no problem, but your body just won’t respond to them to protect itself from getting burnt out. Sometimes you need to cut back, or cross train, which is something to talk to your trainer about.

Also, be careful how you talk to her about this. Even if she seems ok with you discussing her “extra fat” she may not be, and even if she is, discussing it at length like it is something wrong with her may make it seem like a bigger deal to her than it is.

Anyone else have any ideas?

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OMG this is totally me

Hi Kelly,

-Magdalena

The first thing is that if you are scared you may relapse, you need to go back to therapy. Therapy isnt a one time thing- its a process so short check ins when you feel your self slip is a must. Your therapist that knows your history will be able to give you more specific ideas on how to handle your personal triggers.

Changes are scary and usually the reason people with EDs isolate themselves. The fewer number of factors you have to deal with, the easier it is to focus on your ED- whether you are trying to get better or still in the midst of your disease. Recognizing that this is going to be a problem for you is a good sign- being scared of a relapse is healthier than knowing you can rely on one when things get tough.

The best thing you can do to keep control is take away as many of the unknown factors as possible: which means planning, planning, planning. Plan out your meals and stick to them no matter what. People will look at you funny when you whip out a meal you brought with you at a party but who cares. If you trust them, tell them the truth that this is what you need to do to keep yourself healthy or if you don’t think they would react well or don’t want them to know, lie.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

Something is going weird with my thyroid and I have to eat a special diet so my doctor can figure out what’s going on (I actually have to do this sometimes, so you can use it and know no one can call you out on it)

Im training for a race/event/competition, and need to eat strictly to be ready.

Im allergic to ______ and its easier to just plan ahead.

Im broke.

or tell people you are planning on becoming a personal trainer and want to start eating healthy, which isnt really a lie. try keeping a food journal so you are aware of what you are eating and can keep your calories consistent.

Set up your home with only healthy foods- don’t have anything you would binge on in the house.

The stress of life isnt going to go away with a binge, so deal with what is stressing you head on. keep a planner so you know what you need to do and when it needs to be done, and exercise is always a great stress reliever.

Binging is all about just making the decision not to, and planning ahead to make sure you aren’t triggered. With all the big life changes you are planning, though, I would seriously consider talking to therapist again. there’s nothing wrong in it- its just one more way you can plan ahead and head off the problem. Prevention is key.

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Lacey of Common Objects and Everyday Events.

Congrats! Email me your address (kelly@everygymsnightmare.com) and I’ll get your loot in the mail!

I haven’t decided when the next giveaway will be. I think I’m going to bag it this week and then start over fresh next Sunday but I’ll keep you posted.

Weekend in Review

It feels like I didn’t even have a weekend.

Friday- Jerome and I went to my studio and worked out after it was closed. He had never been there before, and it was nice to have the place to ourselves. There are also a lot of exercises I can do there, but not at my gym, due to differences in the equipment and space. Then we watched Twilight (loved it! I have never read any of the books or anything, and it was super over-the-top and angsty, so i see why little girls everywhere freak out over it).

Saturday- BAD DAY. First, I discovered my ID was missing first thing in the morning. I ripped apart my apartment and my car and couldnt find it anywhere. Last I remembered using it was at a bar a week ago and was this close to driving there to see if anyone turned it in, but then i found it in my sweatshirt pocket. I still have no idea how it got there.

Then, I had to go down to Pearle vision and raise some hell. I know I mentioned it on Twitter, but I had to go order glasses last week, which I have never had before. Jerome gave me a pair of his old Versace frames so I wouldn’t have to buy any, and wouldn’t you know it, I get a call a few days later telling me they broke them and they will give me 50% of a new pair. Well, thats all fine and good, but I cant afford to 50% of a new pair of Versace frames right now, so I felt like I was getting penalized with cheap frames for not having extra money right now. So I politely bitched until they agreed to give me a credit and then I get to decide what kind I wanted to buy.

Anyhoo, ordered those, then Jerome had a huge beer pong tourney at his house that lasted entirely too long into the night.

Sunday- Easter! Im going to have chilli (weird, I know) with my mom and dad, then come home, pound out a few articles, and then hit the gym. I had way too much beer last night so I feel like a good, long, cardio sweat session is on the agenda. We will see how I feel after dinner though.

Food Journaling

Yeah, I stopped. I completely forgot for a day, and then realized I don’t really care, so I bagged it. Frees up a lot of time and purse space, and I know it won’t change how I actually eat, so who cares. Weigh ins are still every Wednesday so I can make sure I’m not losing any weight, and then the big day is April 22nd to test my body fat and Jeromes, well, everything. I can see a difference in him visually, so itll be fun to see the actual numbers.

Gymnastics

I have an interview on Tuesday to coach gymnastics on Tuesday! There is a little, non-competitive gym up the street from me, who turns out it owned by a coach from a rival high school team, that remembers me from high school days. It’ll probably just be a little part time thing in addition to my training (I train so early I have A LOT of free time). I miss gymnastics, and I’ve been out of the competitive game for so long I dont even know the code of points anymore, so a low pressure atmosphere will be fun. Wish me luck!

Happy Easter!!!

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What are you guys doing today?

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Since I stopped going to counselling and have felt comfortable calling myself recovered from my eating disorder (a few years now) I haven’t paid much attention to my food. I naturally eat healthy options to take care of myself, but calories haven’t been anything that I’ve given a second thought to, much less tracked, in ages, and fast food has been pretty much a weekly occassion (especially on the way home from the bar- damn you, drunken munchies) with zero guilt.

Now that I am doing my little experiment, I truely appreciate my outlook on food.

Aside from cutting out the crap, I am simply tracking my calories, and its drudging up old feelings. Not old eating disorder feelings where I need to restrict or see how low I can go, but old recovery feelings. I feel like the simple act of tracking my calories, not even changing my eating habits based on those calories, is putting too much emphasis on food. I’m not used to it, and quite frankly, I hate it.

I don’t like the way it feels to have to account for everything I put in my mouth. Food is food. Whatever. Im not trying to lose weight, I’m just trying to eliminate some crap, and make sure I’m eating ENOUGH for the extra training I’m doing. Even though my goal is the different than what it used to be when I food journalled (make sure Im eating enough for my workouts as opposed to making sure I’m eating enough to stay alive) I still think its too much work. Too much emphasis.

Its sucks. I hate food journalling. I hate weighing in (no loss this week- which is a good thing). Even though its for a completely healthy goal, I feel like even just tracking is making my life too hard. Unfortunately, to do this right, I have to track, though, and it is helping to get a full picture. I just can’t wait till the 22nd when I dont have to do it anymore. I don’t know how people do it indefinately. It makes me really examine what is healthy mindfulness, and what is unhealthy emphasis. Im just writing stuff down in a little book, and that’s almost too much for me.

I guess if it shows me anything, it shows how far I’ve come. Its exhausting and annoying thinking about calories and food. I can’t believe I wasted so much time on it for so many years, and it makes me sad some people will never know a life without that constant burden.