Q and A: Strict Eating if Trying to Recover?
23 10 2009Hi Kelly,
Just found your blog and I love it-you write really well and clearly know your stuff!
I’m writing as I notice you used to have an eating disorder. I am currently sloowwwwly getting over binge eating disorder (and by sloowwwwly I mean this is my eighth day without a binge, the longest i’ve gone since June).
I work out a lot (6-7 days per week), and on a non-binge day, eat very well and watch fat and carbs, etc. I’ve done a little bit of counselling, but am starting proper sessions (with a pyschologist) next week. I feel the binging started due to a dramatic weight loss earlier this year, where I counted calories strictly for 5/7 days (1200-1300calories) and exercised daily. Obviously, this was hard to keep up. An ‘all or nothing’ approach definitely sets in with my binges - I feel it’s my last chance to eat naughty things, so I might as well eat as much as I possibly can.
My question to you is, should I keep up with strictly planning food and exercise? I know you’re no expert, but you might be able to speak from experience.
Thanks!
Ally
First- congrats on your recovery and doing so well. 8 days may not seem like much to other people, but for a binger, that seems like an eternity.
I can’t give you specific advice, because everyone that suffers from an eating disorder responds to different treatments differently, but what I can do is tell you how I handled food during recovery, and tell that for your specific situation only you are your psychologist are going to be able to figure out whats best for you.
Generally, for bingers and bulimics, strict in terms of food is your friend. Generally, a binge (and purge, if applicable, as in my case) is caused by feeling like you ate too much and “blew it” already, triggering your anxiety. Once that anxiety is triggered and burning in the pit of your stomach and clogging your brain, you do the only thing you know how to make it go away: eat more. That seems stupid to people that dont understand, and even to me now as I am recovered, but food is what bingers use to make them feel good- either numb or calm.
The only way I could explain a binge/purge episode to someone that didnt understand an had it make sense was this:
I would start out eating a normal meal, doing my best to eat healthy. Suddenly, I would feel like I ate too, much and the anxiety would set in. I had that full stomach feeling, which equalled weak and fat, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, obsessing about it, beating myself up, and I could not stop the anxiety, it consumed me. I knew that the only way I could stop thinking about food, was to not want food anymore, so I would eat everything insight until I was so full I couldn’t walk. Right after a binge was the only time I felt calm because i didnt want want food- and every other second of every day I always thought about food. I knew i was going to purge afterward so the calories didnt bother me, so I would sit for about 5 minutes enjoying my clam, and then the fear of digesting the calories sets in and I have to go purge. The calm, or high, whatever you call it, only lasts a few minutes, which is why bulimics binge and purge over and over again, up to 8 times a days.
My counselor made me eat strictly- but under my own terms. I had to keep a food journal, and he gave me a calorie goal and as long as I stayed there and didnt purge, we called it a good day. eventually, we incorporated more healthy foods and slowly upped my intake to not trigger me. The first hurdle is to stop the binges, and the only way to do that is to stop before you get to far which takes more self control than anyone can imagine, but eventually it get easier.
Your counselor and you will come up with strategies to stop binges and eat healthily. You wont have to go it alone, and you will find some thing that will work for you but might not for anyone else. The binges are the first thing to tackle, so dont over obsess about your everyday calories- thats what sends you into a binge episode in the first place.
Good luck!
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Thank you for this post. I’m dealing with anxiety eating so reading your story and how you worked out your situation helps to remind me that it’s a day by day process. Any day where I don’t have a binge episode is a successful one in my book.